Surviving a Secret Shame

Sexual abuse is an uncomfortable topic, but it happens all too often—affecting girls, boys, women, and men alike. Despite the tough facades they may put up, a disproportionate number of prisoners know this firsthand.

While approximately one out of six boys and one out of four girls falls victim to childhood sexual abuse, rates are often higher among the incarcerated. For example, a 2006 study, published in Child Abuse and Neglect, found that 59 percent of men in one county jail had been sexually abused before puberty. Other inmates, who have not been abused before incarceration, may be subject to sexual assault from other inmates—or even a correctional officer—once they arrive behind bars.

Sexual abuse—which can include coercive sexual contact, inappropriate touching and speech, or exposure to sexual images—runs soul deep. Even if the victim pretends it never happened, the effects remain, like an infection beneath the skin.

As a volunteer, you may come into contact with an inmate who discloses painful details of past sexual abuse. Unresolved, that pain will continue to drive the inmate into destructive behaviors. Though you may not have a background in counseling, you can help direct a prisoner toward healing.

 

Taking Steps Toward Healing

Prison is a tough environment in which to deal with the fallout of sexual abuse, but the principles of healing are the same on the inside as they are for survivors on the outside.

The first step is to acknowledge that the abuse happened. If an inmate has disclosed the abuse to you, he* has already taken an important first step. (Note: If the inmate is in a situation of ongoing abuse, and especially if the inmate is a juvenile, contact Prison Fellowship staff, who can help determine what steps are available to help ensure the inmate’s physical safety.)

Confessing sexual abuse can be extremely difficult. Often, the abuser has threatened a victim with dire consequences if he tells anyone what happened. If the abuser was a friend or family member, as they usually are, family members may have dismissed the accusation as a lie, or even blamed the victim for “seducing” the abuser. Some victims might even be confused about whether the inappropriate sexual contact was actually abuse.

According to Dr. Julia Whealin and Dr. Erin Barnett, “Some victims might enjoy the attention, closeness, and physical contact, especially if these needs are not met by a primary caregiver.” All these factors can create confusion, self-doubt, and self-censorship around past sexual abuse. That’s why it’s important for you, as a trusted listener, to hear an inmate’s admission of past sexual abuse without judgment or accusation.

If possible, it is also constructive for inmates to share their experiences and feelings with a professional counselor, chaplain, or victims’ support group. These more experienced listeners can provide important support and guidance.

Of course, the resources available to the survivors of sexual abuse vary widely from facility to facility. An inmate may have no one to talk to, but he can start by writing down memories and emotions on a piece of paper. Getting those feelings out on paper is far better than bottling them up.

You can also encourage the inmate to share his pain with God. Reassure the inmate that God loves him, and when he cries out, God hears him. True healing will begin in God’s presence, though the process will take some time.

The Truth about Blame and Shame

As the inmate recalls the pain of past sexual abuse, he might have to deal with feelings of confusion, hurt, blame, and shame. He might be tempted to drown those feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, anger, or sexual addictions. Encourage him to instead replace negative thoughts with the truth about who he is.

 

Let’s take blame and shame as two examples. Blame tells the inmate, “You did something wrong.” But no matter what the abuser or anyone else might have told the inmate, sexual abuse is never the victim's fault. Regardless of whether the abuse caused pain or felt good to the inmate physically, the abuser crossed a line he or she never should've crossed. “[The victim] did not cause the abuse or allow it to happen in any way,” writes Dr. Daniel J. Sonkin, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has written extensively on childhood sexual abuse. “It is up to adults to protect children; it is not the child's role to protect himself from adults.”

Now let’s consider shame. Shame tells the inmate, “What happened makes you a bad person.” Because what happened was so painful, the inmate might have hidden it for years. He might have felt like the abuse meant he was a worthless person. While victims often react this way, their feelings do not reflect the reality of what God says about them. You can encourage an inmate with these truths: God made you in His image (Genesis 1:27); God loves you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you (John 3:16); and God has a plan to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). When an inmate feels shame rearing its ugly head, encourage him to hold onto one of these important truths from God’s Word.

As the inmate acknowledges the truth about the past, cries out to God, and holds onto His Word, the pain and anger he feels will eventually lessen. But he also needs to remember that he cannot rush the process of healing. Progress will come as he patiently sticks with it.

 

Letting Go of Bitterness

Barbara Joy Hansen is an author, speaker, and minister to prisoners in her home state of Massachusetts. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, she often speaks to inmates about her experience of healing, in which forgiveness played a central role. “The most important part of my healing journey was forgiving the pastor who violated my trust and confronting him with the truth about his actions,” she says. “My childhood church denomination and God helped me to do this. As soon as I chose to forgive him, I felt the weight of the shame I had carried so long lifted from my soul.”

The inmate might not be in a place—now or ever—where he can confront his abuser face to face. This does not have to prevent healing. The inmate can still ask God for help as he works through any hatred or bitterness that has been weighing him down. Help the inmate remember that forgiving the abuser doesn’t mean that the behavior was acceptable, but it does help him become free from the past.

 

Life After Abuse

Finally, as the inmate confronts past sexual abuse, he may realize that some of his own behaviors—like addiction, violence, or refusing to trust other people—are things that he learned to do to protect himself or make himself feel better. As he heals, it’s important for the inmate to identify his negative behaviors, decide to put them aside, and ask God to help him change on the inside as well as the outside.

 

It can feel overwhelming just to start the journey of healing from sexual abuse, but the inmate is not alone. Many others have walked this road before him. Encourage the inmate to keep his eye on the goal of healing. The effects of sexual abuse won't go away on their own, but overcoming the pain of the past if the best way to make sure it doesn't control his future.

*Inmates of both genders fall victim to sexual abuse. For the sake of simplicity, this article refers to “he” and “him,” but the basic principles of healing hold true for both men and women.