Speaking as the mother of a convicted murderer, Carol Kent gives volunteers specific tips to help prisoners’ families. For example, three things you can do to help a prisoner’s wife and how you can become a better listener.
At 12:35 a.m. on October 24, 1999, the phone rang.
That phone call thrust Carol Kent into a waking nightmare. Her son, 25-year-old Jason, a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy and a strong Christian, had been charged with the murder of his wife’s ex-husband. Even as Carol and her husband, Gene, reeled with the devastating news, a story of hope and redemption began emerging alongside the despair.
Ten years later, after thousands of tears shed and hundreds of trips to visit her son in prison, Carol has shared her story across the country through many speaking engagements and two books, When I Lay My Isaac Down and A New Kind of Normal, which offer a surprising account of joy and resilience against a world of loss and incarceration.
Frontlines recently had the chance to sit down with Carol to glean a few tips for Prison Fellowship volunteers who want to better interact with families of the incarcerated.
#1 Find one thing you can do
Carol: Many times people that I talk to are people who read my books and look at the big picture of how much there is to do, and they think, “I could never do anything meaningful because the need is so great.” And I like to challenge them with finding one thing they can do.
Maybe they’re standing in their church lobby and they know . . . a wife of an incarcerated man, and they can walk over with a $20 bill in their hand and say, “Use this on your gasoline on your next trip to visit your husband, or, “Put this money toward the vending machine food for you and your family next weekend. I know it’s hard and I just want you to know our family’s praying for you and we really do care.”
Or volunteer to babysit for the children of a woman who’s left like a single parent because her spouse is incarcerated, so she can have a day alone with her spouse behind bars, without having to pay for a babysitter. That’s the one thing we can do.
Maybe if you have a computer you could start an email prayer update for a family that has just had a child arrested, and get from that family even a handful of email addresses and names of people who really care for them. And then be the contact person for letting those individuals know how they can pray specifically, and then list three or four tangible needs that family has.
I know one day we had somebody send, what was called, “dinner in a bucket.” It was a frozen dinner that was delivered to our door, and they said, “We don’t live in your town but we love you, and if you lived in our town, we would bring dinner over for you and say how much we care. We know how busy you are with the approaching trial, and we wanted to give you dinner, and this is the only way we knew how to do it.”
#2 Learn to be quiet
Since I was from a very strong Christian background from the time I was just a young girl . . . I had really had a heart that wanted to share my faith with people. And I realized that very few people are ready to hear every point we’d like to make to help them to grow in their faith on the first meeting. Most of them need to know we care before they will ever listen to what we have to say. I’ve met enough people waiting in prison visitation lines that need to get through security that I realize that some of them are not ready to talk a whole lot about their journey. But they are willing to stand there with you and acknowledge their pain. And then the next time you stand with them, they might share one thing about their journey . . .
I’ve been developing relationships with some of the wives and the moms and the children at the prison where my son is. And we just went kayaking with a woman who is married to another lifer . . . and her 17-year-old son came with us. And that day I didn’t get to know the intimidate details of each of their stories. We just had fun together . . .
Even though we weren’t sharing what you would say was “a strong Christian testimony” with them that day, we were sharing our life with them. And on every weekend since then, when we have seen them at the prison, we have a bond. We went kayaking together!
So doing something fun together has become so important, before we dump a boatload of advice on people or before we share everything we know about God’s Word.
#3 Talk in line
You need to learn the system . . . and there is different protocol. And I may not like going through a “pat-down” from someone I’ve never met before, but it’s a part of what I do in order to see my son. And so the end result of that “pat-down” is worth it.
Make a point, every time you go, of talking to the person in the line waiting to go through security, in front of you and behind you. And talk to the children, because those kids have been given a sentence of their own.
To read Carol’s full story, visit her website www.carolkent.org.
