In 2008, as Hurricane Ike battered the Gulf of Mexico, inmates at the Carol Vance Unit in Houston, Texas, followed the news closely, worried about family and friends in the affected regions. Ron Zifer, a reentry program manager, arranged for them to call their families, but never realized the eye-opening revelations he’d experience soon after they dialed.
“Hey, watcha doin’?” he heard the first inmate say.
To which his friend responded, “Nothing. Why? What are you doin’?”
Then there was silence.
Through a series of eerily similar phone conversations, Ron realized that many people struggle with basic social practices, like talking on the telephone. These skills range from the simple to the complex, and the consequences of ignoring them can truly hinder social progress and chances for future success.
Frontlines asked several Prison Fellowship (PF) staff members across the nation to share their first-hand experiences with inmates in various social situations. Their stories tell a tale of social irresponsibility—revealing the dire need to address etiquette shortfalls, both big and small. And for volunteers—striving to help prisoners succeed in all areas of life—it is important to learn about and address these shortfalls when working with prisoners.
You Make the Call
When that first Texas inmate made his phone call, he didn’t introduce himself to the person on the other end. It was awkward for the other person to receive an out-of-the-blue call from someone he hadn’t seen or spoken to in years.
Phone etiquette goes deeper than the semantics of saying your name. The act of calling a family member is a step in rebuilding that relationship, says Ron. Each phone call should be approached as an opportunity to reconnect.
Ron witnessed one person “attack” his family member over the phone, saying things like: “I haven’t got a letter from you in a year!”
“Why not show some concern for your family? Why not ask how they are doing?” offers Ron, adding that these communication habits can be applied to letter-writing as well. These building blocks of communication will—brick by brick, call by call, letter by letter—help ex-prisoners reconstruct the relationships that were damaged when they went away.
Class is in Session
Bill DiGennaro, a reentry program manager in Jefferson City, Missouri, finds it common for the folks he works with to tell him what he should do for them, instead of asking. Someone may come up to Bill during a class and say, “Give me some paper.” Bill tries to understand, because he knows they may be unaware of the common decency to present a request rather than spit orders.
So Bill responds to such statements with, “It’s polite to ask for something rather than to tell someone what to do.” And still, the reply may be, “That’s what I said.” The person is seemingly unaware of the distinction.
Whether in prison or on the outside, people should always politely ask for things they want or need. And then they must be ready to accept both a yes or no answer.
PF staff members and volunteers also witness numerous folks just stand up to use the restroom or sharpen a pencil in the middle of class, without regard to the disturbance it causes. Or they just yell out their opinions, interrupting the speaker, acting as if what they have to say is the most important matter in the world.
Students should raise their hands to ask a question. This practice not only improves the classroom experience for everyone, but shows respect toward fellow classmates and the class leader—who is taking time to offer Bible studies, seminars, or life skills classes.
Rebelling Against Rules
PF staff members have noticed a tendency to continue a particular gripe after it has been discussed and settled. Bill cites one common example that happens in the reentry program where he works, in which men are not allowed to have personal televisions.
The staff members hear things like: “Why don’t you allow just the sports channels?”, or “My son is in sports and I’d love to see him play…just once,” or “We men can bond together watching sports and that is what this program is all about.” Some even try the religious angle: “There are so many great religious programs. Why can’t we watch them?”
After such remarks, the staff reiterates the policy and the reasoning behind it. Still, without fail, after a few days the issue is brought up again.
Everyone has rules to follow. There are plenty of rules in prison, but there are also rules that every citizen must follow when living on the outside. Regular citizens are expected to arrive to work on time, stop at red lights, and obey posted speed limits. Learning to accept rules now will not only help improve life in prison, but will also help prepare for life on the outside.
Prisoners can also try to learn about why rules exist to understand them better. Jana Fischer works with women at a Shakopee, Minnesota, facility. She recalls hearing from one inmate, “I should be able to dress the way I want,” referring to her short skirt and low cut shirt. She didn’t agree with the dress code and felt it impeded her rights.
Dressing provocatively attracts negative sexual attention, will make it difficult to get a job in any business setting, and sends the wrong message about who you are to the people around you. If this inmate really wants to succeed after reentry, this rule will actually help her.
Prison can be a life-changing process, and God can help prisoners use it to change their lives for the better. Working to improve in these areas of communication and social interaction will improve life both inside and outside of prison. And volunteers can help initiate that change by monitoring and addressing these critical social shortfalls.