When my husband was sentenced to 17 years in prison, I instantly became a single parent. My four little boys were aged 6 and under. I was overwhelmed, lonely, and scared but had to stay strong for them.
The boys and I were living in a rented trailer after my husband had gone to prison.
When he was incarcerated, I realized how isolating that experience is. As a family, you have so many needs: physical needs, babysitting, getting groceries from the store, fixing the car when it's run down. Even though people meant well and offered to help us, very few actually showed up. I was struggling inside, but I put on a happy face for my children’s sake.
UNEXPECTED BLESSING
That first Christmas in our trailer, I was surprised to learn my husband had signed the boys up for Prison Fellowship® Angel Tree, which helps incarcerated parents send a Christmas gift and personal message to their children.
A group of people from a local church—God bless those people—came to our door. It was snowing. They came with brightly wrapped gifts from my husband for each of the boys. It had a little tag and a message from him. I just remember all the special parts about it.
I didn’t know what to say. The kids were so excited to see the gifts. I felt that I wasn’t forgotten. It’s amazing that this organization does all this, how it can reach people down some dirt road. It’s just so incredible.
HOLDING FAST
When my husband and I met, he was in Bible college completing his bachelor’s degree, and I was a new Christian. He had become a believer while in prison many years before and felt called to become a pastor. After we married, he began a master’s degree program, and we moved to Idaho to serve at a church there.
Several years after our move, we were expecting our fourth baby and going through a rough financial time. With the strain of trying to make ends meet, my husband panicked. He went back to some old friends and returned to former ways of managing stress and making money.
I had never been around someone using drugs before. I knew something was happening to my husband—something was wrong. I didn’t know what. I was focused on keeping my job as a nurse and caring for my kids, praying that something would change. When my husband was arrested, I saw it as God protecting him from his bad choices. I thought about ending our marriage but made the decision to remain.
SHARING THE ANGEL TREE BLESSING
I moved several years ago to another state to be closer to family. There, the boys and I became members of a new church. When Christmas came around, I recalled the blessing Angel Tree had been to us that first Christmas on our own. I decided to help make Angel Tree happen for others and have coordinated and hosted Angel Tree parties at my church.
My husband is sober, has returned to his faith in Christ, and was recently released from prison. Every moment together has been priceless.
My boys loved the gifts they received from their dad each Christmas through the years. Now, like me, they also spread that joy to other kids with an incarcerated parent.
Like the little group that showed up at our trailer years ago, we’ve driven around in the dark, climbed porches, and delivered gifts, letting children know the gifts were from their mom or dad.
GIVE YOURSELF GRACE
I would say to anyone raising children with a loved one in prison: Just handle the tasks in front of you. Remember that we all need to eat today; we all need fresh clothes. You’re just handling the needs.
Give yourself grace. The laundry’s not done, the pile of dishes is high, and if you’re like me, you don’t wear fashionable clothes. I give myself grace because I’m doing just the things that need to be done.
If I had to send a message back then to myself, a young woman in crisis mode with four little ones, I would tell myself to take it one day at a time and stay connected with my church family.
Taking it day by day doesn’t mean going it alone. It means finding your support system. You definitely have to reach out to people. You can’t assume that people are just going to help you. Don’t be afraid to ask people for help. Whether it’s church or the school system, go find your community. You can’t do this alone.
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