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GRACE CHANGED A FAMILY TREE
Opening the door to her parents transformed Nikki’s whole family.
By Doug Bender
“All my life, I felt like I had to pretend to be somebody I wasn’t,” Nikki recalls.
Nikki grew up as a child of incarcerated parents and hid that fact starting at an early age. She masked her pain, made up stories about where her parents were, and endured the whispers—like the time she overheard a friend’s mother warn, “Don’t leave [Nikki] downstairs by herself. She might steal something, [just] like her mom.”
The words stung deeply and followed her into adulthood. But when she volunteered with her church at a Prison Fellowship® Hope Event, Nikki found belonging.
“Not only did I understand [the prisoners],” she says, “but they understood me.”
‘YOU'RE NOT FORGOTTEN’
Chaos and instability defined Nikki’s childhood.
Nikki’s mom was between prison stints when she gave birth to her. But two short weeks after Nikki was born, her mother was sent back to prison.
By the time Nikki was 3, both of her parents were incarcerated for drug-related crimes. They cycled in and out of prison throughout her childhood. Nikki and her older brother went to live with their maternal grandparents.
“My grandparents were great providers, but they weren’t warm and affectionate,” Nikki explains.
Looking back, Nikki could see that her grandparents, who had already raised children of their own, were not in a season of life to want to parent young children again. They didn’t plan birthday parties or host sleepovers. There were dinners at the table, but not a lot of hugs. Nikki’s grandparents offered stability, but she longed for the warmth and embrace of her parents.
Nikki explains that her grandparents just couldn’t quite replace her mom and dad.
“I wanted that connection,” she says.
No matter what mistakes her parents had made, incarceration couldn’t erase the love Nikki felt for her parents—or the pain and loneliness that haunted her after their arrest.
“When a parent goes away and gets arrested, no one knows it’s going to happen,” Nikki says. “It’s so sudden, like ripping a Band-Aid off. Yesterday we were all together, and today is completely different. I remember a lot of confusion, a lot of arguments, a lot of tears.”
That’s why the gifts Nikki received through Prison Fellowship Angel Tree® meant so much. When Nikki was around age 7, her father began signing her up for Angel Tree Christmas. Local churches then started buying Christmas gifts for Nikki and her brother, delivering them in the name of her incarcerated parent.
“I remember getting art supplies,” Nikki says. “I loved art, and I just remember thinking, How did he know? It wasn’t about the gift itself. It was the message: He still loves me. He’s still thinking about me.”
For many people, a $25 toy might seem insignificant. To Nikki, it was a lifeline.
“It’s so much more than a gift,” she says. “It bridges a gap. It tells a child, ‘You’re not forgotten. You matter!’”
But the gifts Nikki received over the years were just the springboard of her journey to healing. She still held onto a lot of bitterness and anger—toward her parents and God.
No matter what mistakes her parents had made, incarceration couldn’t erase the love Nikki felt for her parents—or the pain and loneliness that haunted her after their arrest.
THE LAST PLACE SHE WANTED TO GO
Christian faith wasn’t part of Nikki’s childhood. She believed God existed but blamed Him for the troubles in her family. She couldn’t understand why God would keep her parents in prison.
She waited and waited. But even whenever her parents did leave prison, their freedom didn’t last long. Soon Nikki was a young adult still waiting on her parents to change.
When she was 19, Nikki started dating a man named Wes. He grew up in a much more stable home, and his parents brought him to church when he was young, though he no longer attended as an adult. About a year after meeting, Nikki and Wes had a son together, followed later by another son. After having kids, Wes began to think about his experience of going to church as a child and wanted the same for his own children.
“I remember rolling my eyes,” Nikki laughs. “We don’t do church!”
But she played along. She mostly scrolled through her phone while sitting in the pews. Then Wes’ work schedule changed, and he couldn’t take them to Sunday services.
“I thought, Yes! No more church,” Nikki recalls.
Then came her 4-year-old son’s question: “Mom, are we going back to that fun church place?”
Nikki couldn’t say no. She piled her kids in the car and dropped them off for the children’s program. She sat in the sanctuary and for the first time—without Wes beside her—listened to the sermon.
“I was literally in tears,” Nikki says. “I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me.”
Week after week, she kept going back. Eventually she asked for prayer, and Jesus got ahold of her heart.
“My life has never been the same,” Nikki says.
Wes and Nikki both were baptized and then married shortly after. Their decision to follow Jesus changed them completely. They began serving at the church. Nikki became a student pastor, a role she held for eight years.
WHEN PARENTS COME HOME
While Nikki’s life was transforming, her parents were still caught in cycles of addiction and incarceration. Every time Nikki hoped for their recovery, addiction would pull them back down. Then as Nikki and her husband began going to church, things began to shift.
“My dad showed up at our house and said he had been kicked out of his halfway house,” she says. “He didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
Reluctantly, Nikki let him stay on the couch—just for a little while. That was 16 years ago. After he moved in, Nikki’s dad started watching their kids. Then he got a job working in construction.
“He had an income and started building a relationship with my kids,” she says. “That got him off the street.”
About three years later, Nikki’s mom also was released from prison. She needed a place to stay. They turned the garage into a studio apartment and welcomed her in too. Nikki’s parents had divorced years prior but were now living amicably under the same roof. They both found sobriety and started giving back after moving into Nikki’s home.
“The best thing is, my children don’t know them any other way,” Nikki says. “They look at Nana and Papa as the coolest grandparents ever.”
Nikki’s mother works in rehabilitation, sharing her story of how their family has been restored despite the years of separation and strife.
REACHING KIDS WHO WEAR THE MASK SHE ONCE WORE
Through her church, Nikki began volunteering in prisons at Prison Fellowship Hope Events. She receives as much as she gives when she serves behind bars. She has found freedom in being surrounded by people who can relate to her situation. The experience has helped her feel like she no longer has to hide her story.
Sometime after Nikki began serving in prison with her church, she learned about a job opening with Prison Fellowship involving Angel Tree. She applied—and was hired. Nikki now helps families impacted by incarceration as an Angel Tree events coordinator.
“Every time a child walks into one of our events, I look them in the eye and say, ‘I know you. I see you. I used to be you,’” she says.
Through sports and STEM camps, Nikki and her team create spaces where children of incarcerated parents can feel celebrated, not forgotten. She also encourages caregivers—people like her own grandparents—and she reminds them, “You are doing Kingdom work. Don’t give up.”
“We have no idea the generational impact,” she says of those who serve in Angel Tree at churches around the country. “The gift that was given to me as a child led to a restored relationship with my dad. Today, both my parents live with us. They’re sober. They work. They’re amazing grandparents to my kids. That’s what God can do.”
Her story is living proof of the ripple effect of grace.
“When I think about God now,” Nikki says, “the word that comes to me is ‘Rock.’ My childhood was so unstable, but He is my foundation and my rock. I was empty, but now I’m full.”
“Every time a child walks into one of our events, I look them in the eye and say, ‘I know you. I see you. I used to be you.’”
—Nikki