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RAY'S SECOND CHANCE
Thirty years after missing his first chance at fatherhood, Ray has another opportunity.
Addiction often demands a high price: money, reputation—even freedom. For Ray, one of those costs was fatherhood. His first arrest, a couple of years after his son was born, started a 20-year journey of intermittent imprisonment.
“I chose my addiction over family,” Ray admits.
Now, Ray is relishing another opportunity at fatherhood. He has a newborn daughter, and he knows he has a rare chance to try again.
“I’m beyond words how blessed I am to have a second chance,” Ray says, fighting back tears.
BEGINNINGS OF TROUBLE
Ray grew up in a loving home with happily married parents who supported him and attended his baseball games. His dad is still working in his mid-70s, and Ray credits him for being a great provider.
But Ray saw the impacts of addiction early on in his life. His dad was an alcoholic and had trouble expressing his emotions. The family moved from California to Oklahoma when Ray was 7. Ray looks back at the move halfway across the country as a blessing. He recalls his mom saying they would’ve gotten divorced if they stayed in California. Ray’s parents have now been married for more than 50 years.
Ray’s early exposure to addiction eventually led him down his own unsavory path. He struggled with low self-esteem and the need for reassurance growing up. He felt the need to fit in. As a result, he and his friends began experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Substance abuse left Ray with a cloudy vision of his life.
“I don’t really think that I knew what taking responsibility was,” Ray says, “and I don’t think that I really realized what life was all about.”
Ray got married despite his admitted lack of clarity and purpose, and his wife got pregnant soon afterward. Because of their acrimonious relationship, they separated. Ray was left in the dark during the pregnancy—so much so that he didn't even find out about his son’s birth until two weeks after it had happened.
RUNNING AWAY
Ray cared more about having enough drugs and money than caring for his son. He told himself he would stop when he felt his actions were wrong. But that didn’t happen, and Ray failed to realize the damage he was inflicting on others.
That included his initial arrest in 1995. For the two decades that followed, he was in and out of prison four times. One of his sentences was almost ten years long.
Ray was on the run for almost a year when he was caught for the final time. He had been required to go to court every month but was high on drugs for his first appearance—and after that, he didn’t go back.
Ray shoplifted while eluding authorities. He became paranoid, always looking around and never staying in one place for long. But his time on the run eventually ended, and he felt a burden had been lifted. He no longer had to deal with the stress of hiding. That’s when Ray reached the end of himself.
“I was just done living the way I was,” he says.
“I was just done living the way I was.”
—Ray
BACK TO CHILDHOOD
Ray cried out to God from behind bars. He went to church growing up, but the messages’ dark undertones turned him off. Ray described the sermons as always being about hell, fire, and brimstone. He ran away from that.
But after his time running from the law, Ray thought back to his days in the church and decided to give God another try despite having questions.
He admitted out loud to God, “I don’t know what this is all about.”
Then it hit him. Ray realized God didn’t promise life was going to be easy or that he would understand what was happening. It was clear to him that putting God first didn’t mean everything would be alright. Despite this, Ray knew Jesus had died for him—no matter what he put his family through. He wanted to know more about God, and he trusted God would bring him peace.
Ray thought back to his days in the church and decided to give God another try despite having questions.
RESTORATION DESPITE SEPARATION
Ray’s time behind bars shattered any connection he had with his son and ex-wife, who was raising him. However, he was determined to reestablish a bond with his son, and he asked his parents for help.
Around that time, the chaplain at Ray’s facility told him about Prison Fellowship Angel Tree®. Ray signed up, and he credits Angel Tree for getting him and his son back together. His son asked if he could go see his dad, and that started the process of restoration.
“Don’t let the shame and guilt stand in your way,” Ray says, hoping to encourage others still behind bars to get back in touch with their children. “It’s a free gift to your kid that can open that line of communication like it did with my son.”
Despite their reconnection, their relationship wasn’t fully healed. The first three times he was released, Ray told his son he wouldn’t make the same mistakes and go back to prison, which led to trust issues each time Ray was sent back.
But the last time he got out—in 2015—Ray made no such promise. God-driven changes in Ray’s life captured the attention of his son, and their relationship is now better than ever.
ANXIETY TO ELATION
Ray’s renewed relationship with his son coincided with another chance at marriage. He and his current wife married in 2021.
There came a time when they began thinking about having a child. The thought stirred up anxiety in Ray, who’s in his early 50s.
“I wasn’t really high on it because of my age and that I failed before,” he says.
Time went by, and Ray still hadn’t changed his mind. However, there was another thought Ray had at the same time, and it made him realize he was being selfish. He remembers thinking that if he truly loves his wife, how could he take the chance of being a mother away from her?
His wife’s chance at being a mother and Ray’s second chance at being a father came when their daughter was born at the start of 2024. With a clear mind, Ray knows things are different now.
“I feel like I’m so much more prepared for this at [my age now than] when my son was born,” Ray says.
He realizes his daughter depends on him for everything, and he understands the concept of self-sacrifice.
“It’s not all about me,” Ray says.
Ray is back behind bars but, this time, as a program manager for Prison Fellowship Academy.
BACK IN PRISON
Ray’s self-sacrifice extends to prison. He’s back behind bars but, this time, as a program manager for Prison Fellowship Academy® at a prison in Oklahoma. The yearlong program brings men through a journey of transformation with the help of targeted curriculum and compassionate coaches.
One thing Ray has emphasized to the men inside is having someone they can talk to about anything, any time.
Ray tells them, “This is prison, and you guys don’t want to share personal information, but there’s got to be one guy around here that you can talk to because you need it.”
This brings Ray back to his father. He has deep relationships with a couple of men, and one is a preacher. They get together for breakfast every couple of months.
“To have that mentorship has really helped him out,” Ray beams.
The importance of being open and honest with others drives Ray to provide that for his daughter as she gets older. He wants her to come talk to him even if the topic is painful and there may be hurt involved.
“I don’t want to live in shame and guilt with my daughter,” Ray says, “and I don’t want her to live in shame and guilt with me or her mom.”
The new chance to live free from past mistakes has Ray grateful for second chances.
“You don’t have to live the way you are or used to be living because there’s a different way,” Ray says. “There really is.”
“I’m beyond words how blessed I am to have a second chance.”
—Ray